Monthly Archives: May 2017

The Smell of Fear


I remembered this story last night and decided to write it down before I completely forget it. This was about ten years ago. I had been through some shit and had been feeling weird and lonely and bad. My head was in a purple haze, as a man once said. I was walking along downtown by Renaissance Books with the plan to dig around in their massive piles of random tomes. I heard a voice behind me say, “sir, do you have a minute to help us with some important research?”

I looked and saw a young woman dressed as a sexy scientist. My first impulse was to flee. I stared at her a moment, but figured, what’s there to lose? I walked over.

“C’mon inside, good lookin!” She smiled. We walked into an abandoned storefront. There were some rafters set up with about 8 more young, sexy scientists sitting on them, cross-legged in short shorts, tank tops, and lab coats. When I walked in, they all greeted me. “Hi, we’re so glad you’re here!” “Welcome!” “Hi, handsome!”

Now I thought this was really bad. My first thought was that obviously these sexy scientists were shanghaiing young men and selling their organs. Then I thought perhaps life had gotten the worst of me and I was hallucinating. Then, I thought maybe I had died and this is what happens when you die. I noticed a very intense odor of cologne, and a curtained off area where I heard beep beep boop machine noises and blasts of aerosol. My fear intensified.

The first sexy scientist now had a clipboard and asked me to walk over to a counter.

“We just got a couple questions here to get you started,” she said, reading from the clipboard. “One, are you aware of the field of smellology?”
“Uh…the what now?”
“Smellology is the field that studies the effects that good smelling men have on women.”
“Ummm…” It was then that I noticed a large stash of mini bottles of Axe body spray and other swag, like key-chains. I was a little slow, but I figured it out.

“This is total bullshit,” I said and walked out the door.

Tea Krulos is a writer from Milwaukee. He does not use Axe body spray products.