Happy Shark Week to those who celebrate. (Note: Highlighted words=sources.)

I was a real weird kid. When I was around 7 or 8, I asked my dad if he would read entries about U.S. Presidents from a set of Funk & Wagnall’s encyclopedias to me at bedtime. I drew portraits of at least of dozen of the Presidents. Then, as now, I would become a little obsessive about a topic until I felt I had understood it. I’m not sure where the President Phase came from. The Hall of Presidents at Disney World? I think I viewed them as being like superheroes.

A couple years and a few obsessions later, my focus changed to a new topic: sharks. I spent a lot of time reading books and writing my own notes, learning everything I could. I dreamed of cruising around with Jacques Cousteau and becoming the world’s youngest foremost authority on these amazing creatures. One thing I found fascinating about sharks was the wide range of sizes, shapes, and unique features across the seas. There was the beautiful gentle giant, the whale shark; the powerhouse predators like the great white and mako sharks; the elegant, torpedo-like blue shark; the strange, almost extra-terrestrial looking members of the hammerheads and wobbegongs.

The most grotesque shark is the rare deep sea goblin shark (Mitsukurina owstoni). Wikipedia notes that this odd, pink-skinned species has a “flabby body and small fins,” a benthopelagic (bottom feeder) predator, the goblin inhabits a world that U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service reports is “utterly alien and inhospitable to humans.” Doesn’t all this remind you of a certain President of the United States of America?

Trump is a Goblin Shark.

Note the creature’s Pinocchio like snout, symbolic of a liar. There is one thing Trump is good at– lies. Many politicians are, but Trump shoots so many lies out of his blowhole like a firehose that it’s impossible to keep track before you’re blasted away again. Some of the lies are racist, weaponized conspiracies– his bloviating claim that Obama was born in Kenya and couldn’t be president, the whole “they’re eating the cats, they’re eating the dogs” bullshit. Some lies are feeble attempts at self-preservation, like his claim that he didn’t draw a nudie for Epstein because he’s never “wrote a picture.” And some of the lies are just idiocy, take his story about chatting with his uncle about the Unabomber or his declaration that windmills cause cancer. Those are just a few grains of sand in his murky seabed of lies.

Trump is a Liar of a Goblin Shark.

The goblin shark has a horrific array of needle like teeth, which it uses to chomp on cephalopods. Another toothy animal is the unwitting mascot of one of Trump’s tributes to cruelty, his Alligator Alcatraz concentration camp. This will be looked back at in horror and disgust in future history books (maybe– unless books, education, and empathy are banned).

Trump is a Cold-blooded Goblin Shark.

First they came for the immigrants. But that is only the beginning. Make no mistake, hate and revenge is Trump’s only goal as President. If Trump could (and maybe he’ll succeed) he would fill his gulags with the many people he hates– political opponents (even from his own party), journalists, comedians, lawyers, judges, late night talk show hosts, scientists, professors, musicians… eventually that’ll maybe extend to people who beat Dear Leader at golf. You’re all getting a one-way ticket to El Salvador!

Trump is an Orange-assed Sadistic Dictator Goblin Shark.

Who will stand up to him? Democrats are hiding in the reef. Corporations are out at sea. Maybe his ground base of Christians? Nah, Trump bamboozled them long ago, one of the greatest cons of this or any other century. Trump is not a Christian. He does not know a single Bible verse, only worships greed and power, and embodies all Seven Deadly Sins rolled together in orange dough.

Trump is a Pink Devilfish, the Goddamned Goblin Shark.

Now that I think of it, this comparison is pretty unfair to the goblin shark. Old Gobby is just slowly cruising along in the deep sea looking for squid to snatch as they’ve done for millions of years. Compared to Trump’s soul, this strange fish is a beauty queen… don’t tell that line to Trump, though, he might try to force his way into their dressing room and sexually harass it.

SEE ALSO: Political Monsters: How Presidents Influence Horror Movies reveals the correlation between Trump and killer clown flicks.
“The Jewish Space Laser Bill,” TWW, July 9, 2025.
“You are Geraldo Rivera, high on ecstasy, looking at a UFO in the Bahamas,” TWW, May 20, 2022.
American Madness talks about Trump’s rise to power harnessing conspiracy theories.