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Tea’s Weird Week: Trump is a Goblin Shark
Happy Shark Week to those who celebrate. (Note: Highlighted words=sources.)
I was a real weird kid. When I was around 7 or 8, I asked my dad if he would read entries about U.S. Presidents from a set of Funk & Wagnall’s encyclopedias to me at bedtime. I drew portraits of at least of dozen of the Presidents. Then, as now, I would become a little obsessive about a topic until I felt I had understood it. I’m not sure where the President Phase came from. The Hall of Presidents at Disney World? I think I viewed them as being like superheroes.
A couple years and a few obsessions later, my focus changed to a new topic: sharks. I spent a lot of time reading books and writing my own notes, learning everything I could. I dreamed of cruising around with Jacques Cousteau and becoming the world’s youngest foremost authority on these amazing creatures. One thing I found fascinating about sharks was the wide range of sizes, shapes, and unique features across the seas. There was the beautiful gentle giant, the whale shark; the powerhouse predators like the great white and mako sharks; the elegant, torpedo-like blue shark; the strange, almost extra-terrestrial looking members of the hammerheads and wobbegongs.
The most grotesque shark is the rare deep sea goblin shark (Mitsukurina owstoni). Wikipedia notes that this odd, pink-skinned species has a “flabby body and small fins,” a benthopelagic (bottom feeder) predator, the goblin inhabits a world that U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service reports is “utterly alien and inhospitable to humans.” Doesn’t all this remind you of a certain President of the United States of America?
Trump is a Goblin Shark.
Note the creature’s Pinocchio like snout, symbolic of a liar. There is one thing Trump is good at– lies. Many politicians are, but Trump shoots so many lies out of his blowhole like a firehose that it’s impossible to keep track before you’re blasted away again. Some of the lies are racist, weaponized conspiracies– his bloviating claim that Obama was born in Kenya and couldn’t be president, the whole “they’re eating the cats, they’re eating the dogs” bullshit. Some lies are feeble attempts at self-preservation, like his claim that he didn’t draw a nudie for Epstein because he’s never “wrote a picture.” And some of the lies are just idiocy, take his story about chatting with his uncle about the Unabomber or his declaration that windmills cause cancer. Those are just a few grains of sand in his murky seabed of lies.
Trump is a Liar of a Goblin Shark.
The goblin shark has a horrific array of needle like teeth, which it uses to chomp on cephalopods. Another toothy animal is the unwitting mascot of one of Trump’s tributes to cruelty, his Alligator Alcatraz concentration camp. This will be looked back at in horror and disgust in future history books (maybe– unless books, education, and empathy are banned).
Trump is a Cold-blooded Goblin Shark.
First they came for the immigrants. But that is only the beginning. Make no mistake, hate and revenge is Trump’s only goal as President. If Trump could (and maybe he’ll succeed) he would fill his gulags with the many people he hates– political opponents (even from his own party), journalists, comedians, lawyers, judges, late night talk show hosts, scientists, professors, musicians… eventually that’ll maybe extend to people who beat Dear Leader at golf. You’re all getting a one-way ticket to El Salvador!
Trump is an Orange-assed Sadistic Dictator Goblin Shark.
Who will stand up to him? Democrats are hiding in the reef. Corporations are out at sea. Maybe his ground base of Christians? Nah, Trump bamboozled them long ago, one of the greatest cons of this or any other century. Trump is not a Christian. He does not know a single Bible verse, only worships greed and power, and embodies all Seven Deadly Sins rolled together in orange dough.
Trump is a Pink Devilfish, the Goddamned Goblin Shark.
Now that I think of it, this comparison is pretty unfair to the goblin shark. Old Gobby is just slowly cruising along in the deep sea looking for squid to snatch as they’ve done for millions of years. Compared to Trump’s soul, this strange fish is a beauty queen… don’t tell that line to Trump, though, he might try to force his way into their dressing room and sexually harass it.
SEE ALSO: Political Monsters: How Presidents Influence Horror Movies reveals the correlation between Trump and killer clown flicks.
“The Jewish Space Laser Bill,” TWW, July 9, 2025.
“You are Geraldo Rivera, high on ecstasy, looking at a UFO in the Bahamas,” TWW, May 20, 2022.
American Madness talks about Trump’s rise to power harnessing conspiracy theories.
Tea’s Weird Week: The Jewish Space Laser Bill
In 2020, the year the conspiracy tsunami broke loose, I had a book published titled American Madness. In it, I got to know an intense conspiracy theorist named Richard McCaslin (also known as the costumed vigilante Phantom Patriot). Richard died in 2018. I still think about that story frequently and how much conspiracy culture has changed since I first met Richard in 2010. Conspiracy is mainstream now. It is the party in power. And now the QAnon Party is writing legislation.
Marjorie Talor Greene aligned with QAnon early on until she realized she should distance herself, but she kept those beliefs moving forward. She recently revealed that she has been “researching weather modification,” and using her new DIY knowledge of climatology, has drafted a bill that would make “altering weather” a felony. She made this announcement right after the deadly flooding in Texas, which some conspiracists have speculated was caused by cloud seeding. Cloud seeding is a real thing, where particles are introduced to certain types of clouds to enhance precipitation. But cloud seeding would not cause precipitation of this magnitude.
Greene didn’t mention that theory or her infamous “Jewish space laser” conspiracy, which suggested wealthy Jews were starting California forest fires with a frickin’ laser, or “chemtrails,” a classic conspiracy that she’s waxed poetic about in the past (she suggested they were the cause of hurricanes Helene and Milton), but that is what’s between the lines. A Deep State weather program being used for nefarious purposes. Ok, sure. Who has it, specifically? Where? Why does the Deep State want to create hurricanes and forest fires? To what end? And isn’t the Republican Party the Deep State now?
“I am introducing a bill that prohibits the injection, release, or dispersion of chemicals or substances into the atmosphere for the express purpose of altering weather, temperature, climate, or sunlight intensity,” MTG says. “It will be a felony offense.” This is some “they’re eating the cats, they’re eating the dogs” level of ridiculous bullshit, but I predict this is just the beginning. Expect to see legislation regarding Reptilian aliens and an official proclamation that the moon landing was fake in the future. We are quickly hurling ass backwards into the Dark Ages.
If Richard McCaslin was alive today, he’d probably be elected to Congress or a Cabinet position.
By the way, I have a conspiracy MTG and company can look into. Stop me if you’ve heard this one, Marj: Attorney General Pam Bondi tells the press in February that the Epstein File client list is “sitting on my desk right now to review.” Trump hems and haws on Fox & Friends about releasing the files (and more recently scolds a reporter to move on from the story) and then voila the DOJ says there is no list. Kinda strange, huh?
UPDATE (07/10): Why this is dangerous. Much like Richard McCaslin was inspired by Alex Jones or the “Wolverine Watchman” seized on COVID/ election conspiracies to plot to kidnap Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer, a militia group called “Veterans on Patrol” is “targeting” Oklahoma weather radars over this nonsense: “Anti-Government Militia” Says It’s Targeting Oklahoma Weather Radars.”
And awaaaay we go.
Buy: American Madness: The Story of the Phantom Patriot and How Conspiracy Theories Hijacked American Consciousness (2020, Feral House)
TWW: The Late, Great Hannibal Lecter
Political Monsters Week Continues
One of the many bizarre things to come out of this election cycle is the Trump campaign’s racist fearmongering and spreading of false internet stories about immigrants eating the dogs, the cats, the geese, everything in sight– maybe even you. Trump says the countries south of the border are not only sending criminals, but highly intelligent forensic psychiatrist/ cannibal serial killers like “the late, great” Dr. Hannibal Lecter, the character who originated in novels by Thomas Harris and was adapted to various TV shows and movies, most famously The Silence of the Lambs (1991), played by Anthony Hopkins, who won an Academy Award for his portrayal.
Rolling Stone’s Miles Klee outlines the history of Trump referencing the killer in an article titled “Why is Trump So Obsessed With Hannibal Lecter?: A Complete Timeline.” Klee pinpoints the first reference at a rally in Erie, Pennsylvania on July 29, 2023, where Trump claims immigrants are “pouring” out of “mental institutions, from insane asylums,” adding “that’s like Silence of the Lambs stuff.” Trump continued to work on the bit, like a comedian refining a joke, over the months and by May 11, 2024 he referred to the character as “the late, great Hannibal Lecter” for the first time. As Rolling Stone notes, this is a strange reference as there’s no Hannibal Lecter related book or movie that depicts him as dying off.
Rolling Stone points out that perhaps Trump “initially conflated the term ‘insane asylums’ with ‘asylum seekers'” or maybe identified more with Lecter than the FBI agents who locked him up. I think that latter idea is the key here– Trump is a fan of the character. Much like he fawns over dictators like Putin, Jong Un, and Orbán, he admires Lecter.
In fact, I’m going to use Trump’s playbook of fearmongering lies here– the Trump family isn’t sending their best. They’re eating the public, they’re eating the people! They’re shooting people on 5th Avenue, then eating their livers with some fava beans and a nice chianti and the crooked Supreme Court is granting them total immunity. Horrible!
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See yesterday’s post for more on the Political Monsters project. Tomorrow I’ll give a monster forecast: “4 More Years: Vampires or Evil Clowns?”
You can get a copy of Political Monsters…
In person: Saturday, Oct. 19: Milwaukee Paranormal Conference, I’ll be on the vendor floor 10am-5pm at the Irish Cultural & Heritage Center. Register for a free ticket here: milwaukeeparacon.com
Sunday, Oct. 20: Political Monsters Party at Lion’s Tooth, 3-5pm. Admission is free. I’ll talk briefly about the project, we’ll do a round of horror trivia, and if you dress like a zombie, vampire, or killer clown, you get a free copy of the Political Monsters zine!
You can also buy copies at Lion’s Tooth here in Milwaukee and Quimby’s in Chicago. You can order a print copy via the QWERTYFEST MKE Etsy page: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1778576030/political-monsters-how-presidents
And an e-book version is available through Kindle/KU: https://www.amazon.com/Political-Monsters-Presidents-Influence-Horror-ebook/dp/B0DFJ7DZKQ/ref=sr_1_1
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