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Tea’s Weird Week: I’m Not Saying it was Aliens, but…
The 2020s have just been the wildest. A pandemic, riots, an attempted Q d’état insurrection, mystery monoliths, and now a UFO invasion.
UFOs have been a topic of interest of mine since I was a teen. X-Files was big at the time, and that inspired me to read whatever I could find on real UFO cases, though I don’t consider myself an expert on the field. I did see a UFO while I was out on a Bigfoot expedition (you can read about that experience in my book Monster Hunters).
Here’s what happened over the last couple weeks.
February 4: After bobbing along across the country, a Chinese spy balloon is shot down off the coast of South Carolina (another was spotted over Colombia and Costa Rica).
February 10: A UFO is shot down off the coast of Alaska. The fighter pilots who shot it down say the object “interfered with their sensors,” and that it had “no identifiable propulsion system.” Also interesting– the pilots who encountered it “reported back very conflicting accounts.” This is all being reported by multiple mainstream news outlets, by the way, not InfoWars or Joe Schmoe’s UFO Podcast. They describe the UFO as being the size of “a car.”
The Pentagon noted that the UFO “does not resemble in any way the Chinese surveillance balloon shot down off the coast of South Carolina earlier this week.” [Politico]
February 11: US and Canadian jets shoot down a UFO over the Yukon. This one is described as a “cylindrical object.”
February 12: A third UFO is shot down over Lake Huron, after flying over Montana, Wisconsin, and Michigan. It was reported to be “an octagonal structure with strings hanging off but no discernable payload.” [ABC] All three UFOs are described as being “unmanned.”
What the hell is going on here? So far, officials haven’t given additional information as they are still collecting and examining the wreckage. Really, I think there’s just a couple possibilities:
1. )
2.) UFOs are, as my friend Mark Gubin posits, time traveling tourists from the future, here to observe one of the most terrible and dumb chapters of history.
3.) They are spy surveillance drones from China, North Korea, or Russia. That’s the most realistic theory, though I don’t put a lot of stock into the word “realistic” anymore.
I, for one, welcome our new alien overlords. I’m eager to see developments on this story. Will there be more? Will we get answers? Tune in and keep your eyes to the sky!
UPDATE: From today’s (Feb. 13) White House press conference:
“I just want to make sure we address this from the White House. I know there have been questions and concerns about this, but there is no, again, no indication of aliens or extraterrestrial activity with these recent takedowns,” Jean-Pierre told reporters as she opened the White House press briefing. “Wanted to make sure that the American people knew that, all of you knew that, and it is important for us to say that from here.” [CBS]
Well, they would say that, wouldn’t they? 😉
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Brady Street Pharmacy: Stories and Sketches (2021, VA Press)
American Madness: The Story of the Phantom Patriot and How Conspiracy Theories Hijacked American Consciousness (2020, Feral House)
Tea’s Weird Week: You are Geraldo Rivera, high on ecstasy, looking at a UFO in the Bahamas
You close your eyes. You open them– it is nighttime in the Bahamas. You’re not sure of the date. When you look in the rearview mirror, you confirm what you suspected all along: that you are, in fact, TV personality Geraldo Rivera. You touch your moustache and let out an exclamation, but it comes out sounding like an interdimensional horror choir– the multitude of voices all off key, in different octaves: “hO{Y sHiiii!!!iiit, I-I-I-I’M yOuuuuR hOwwsT,,,,,,gERAww{-do rIVeeeeRa.”
Yes, everyone knows you. The guy who said he was going to bust into Al Capone’s vault to uncover his incredible treasures (1986), only to find some dusty beer bottles, aka the Most Disappointing Moment on Television and the Beginning of the Age of Disenchantment. The guy who got his thumb bit by a KKK dude in Janesville (1992). The guy who started a riot on his show (1988) when he invited white supremacists, anti-racist skinheads, black and Jewish activists to share the stage. Gee, what could go wrong there? In the brawl that followed, you got your nose broken with a chair, but the ratings! The ratings! That’s how you did it in those days. Let’s see Sally Jessy start a race riot. Let’s see old man Donahue take on GG Allin (1992)! Not likely– if you want it done right, you need the man with the stash, the man with the plan, yours truly, Geraldo Rivera.
It wasn’t always that way, of course. There was time before all the sensationalistic crud. You put both hands on the wheel, your shoulders right back and smile as the palm trees whiz by and remember what should be the highlight of your career, the stuff you should be remembered for (but won’t). A flashback to 1972– you’re a young man, a reporter for Eyewitness News, and you bravely sneak into Willowbrook State School to uncover and break the story of the atrocities happening at this mental health facility. You win the fucking Peabody. John Lennon watched and was moved and you and him set up a benefit concert for the victims in Madison Square Garden. Geraldo Rivera, National Hero!
You decide to ride the crest of that wave and not the years of being a FOX flunkey that followed, the time you blamed a black kid’s murder on his hoodie, or accidentally gave away troop locations and got kicked out of Iraq. You lean over and open the glove box, unwrapping a plastic sandwich baggie. Inside are a few chalky white tablets. You pop one in your mouth, roll it on your tongue, then swallow, wiping your moustache, eyes on the road here in the beautiful Bahamas. Some time later– it’s hard to keep track, you feel your muscles melt in warmth, a sense of euphoria washing over you. I am the Walrus, I am the Geraldo Fucking Rivera, goo goo g’joob. You look up at the starry sky and then your head fills with a brilliant light when you realize your next big scoop– you need to travel to another planet and get punched in the face by an extraterrestrial. The ratings!
Just as you have this thought, you see something incredible in the tropical air. It’s something important– almost as important as seeing the ratings after your Murder: Live on Death Row special. It’s otherworldly. A glowing craft in the sky above you, over the island.
It looks like a great big North star, you think. It’s brighter than the North star is, and it’s right on the horizon there. You try to avoid it by steering around it, but it keeps following you.
You are transfixed, but you are suddenly sucked forward in time. It is 2022 and you’re trying to tell the story on the FOX show The Five, but your colleague Emily Compagno is chastising you for driving while high on ecstasy. Where’s your Peabody, Compagno? When was the last time a racist hit you across the face with a chair? When was the last time you took molly and came face-to-face with the very fabric of the Mysteries of the Universe? You are not Geraldo Rivera. But I am.
Source: “FOX News’ Geraldo Rivera claims he saw UFO while ‘stoned on ecstasy,'” nypost.com, May 18, 2022.
Follow me on: Substack//Facebook Group//Twitter//Instagram
My latest books are:
Brady Street Pharmacy: Stories and Sketches (2021, Vegetarian Alcoholic Press)
American Madness: The Story of the Phantom Patriot and How Conspiracy Theories Hijacked American Consciousness (2020, Feral House)
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