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Tea’s Weird Week: Monolith

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I started a Tea’s Weird Week Facebook group and let me tell you it’s everything I hoped for and more. New members, both friends and strangers, are joining every day and sharing just straight up weird stuff they’ve found on the Internet. I love it! In just the last couple days people have posted articles about cat milk being turned to cheese, warnings about moose licking cars, strange banana art, D.B. Cooper, and much more. Join us here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/359809171918389

But the story of the week everyone is talking about is the mysterious monolith that was discovered out in the Utah desert. Workers from the Utah Department of Public Safety and Division of Wildlife Resources were doing a headcount of bighorn sheep when they saw something glimmering in the desert sun. After landing, they discovered a 12-foot tall smooth, shining monolith securely placed in a carefully cut base in the isolated red-rock canyon.

The Utah Monolith discovered last week.

The Utah Monolith is reminiscent of the monolith in 2001: A Space Odyssey and there’s been speculation as to whether this is some kind of device from beyond this world? Is it a sign of everything we’ve been suspecting about 2020– that the world is doomed and extraterrestrials will finally reveal that they walk among us? Well, one thing Internet detectives (who scrutinized Google Earth) quickly determined is that this object has been sitting in the desert for at least five or more years, so it hasn’t landed here specifically for the craziness of 2020…though this was the year it was discovered.

Extraterrestrial road marker is one explanation, but I’d put forward some other theories– perhaps some Kubrik-wannabe indie filmmakers, or someone leaving it as a prank (kind of like the people who tied red balloons to sewer grates after It was released) or someone who just knew the thrill of creating a mystery monument. A couple other examples spring to mind:

The Georgia Guidestones, located in rural Georgia, are 19-foot tall tablets commissioned by an anonymous person or persons and lists ten guidelines for humanity in several languages. The farmland they sit on was also bought up anonymously. It’s been part of conspiracy lore ever since, especially due to the points on the stones that seem to talk about population control or eugenics. They were vandalized in 2008 with graffiti that read DEATH TO THE NEW WORLD ORDER.

The Georgia Guidestones

In Namibia an artist named Max Siedentopf has installed a sculpture at an undisclosed location in the Namib Desert. The piece, titled Toto Forever, features 6 outward facing speakers hooked up to an MP3 playing that is playing Toto’s 1982 earworm hit “Africa” on repeat, at least until the Namib Desert’s harsh conditions destroy it.

Toto Forever: “It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you/
There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do”

There’s already threats to remove the Utah Monolith– it’s in a remote location and the State of Utah isn’t especially keen on having to engage in rescue operations to save curious monolith-seekers. Whether this is the work of aliens or eccentric artists, a round of applause to whoever put another strange landmark on the map.

UPDATE, 12:26pm CST: Was the Utah Monolith a creation by minimalist sculptor John McCracken (who died in 2011)? His gallery seems to think…definitely, maybe: https://www.9news.com.au/world/utah-monolith-desert-mystery-solved-john-mccracken-sculptor-artist-2001-a-space-odyssey/0bae1a27-5bd2-451e-90a6-393928d9ed02

Zorth Watch: Two weeks ago, I wrote a column about how one Dr. Matthew A. Johnson had managed to combine a little from column A (a telepathic Bigfoot council) with column B (QAnon) to share a message from Zorth (a QAnon telepathic Bigfoot) that Trump would still be declared winner. Many people, including Trump himself, are still in denial about the election. I ended up channeling my own Bigfoot, Zaarg (it’s a long story, read my column here: “Zorth, I Will Kick Your Hairy Ass.”)

Well, I decided to take a look at Johnson’s Team Squatchin USA group, and yep, they are still at it. Here’s a post from Johnson to the group on Nov. 24:
“In the end, Trump wins. (Zorth, November 3, 2020)”

And here’s some actual responses in the comments:
“Trust God, Trust Zorth, Trust the Plan. WWG1WGA.” (“Trust the plan” is QAnon language, pure cognitive dissonance meaning you should believe in Q even if things aren’t going as predicted; “where we go one, we go all” or “WWG1WGA” is the oldest QAnon motto.)

“I trust in Zorth (thumbs up, praying hands, American flag emojis).”

All this is ridiculous, of course, so I was glad to see the entire group hadn’t gotten into the Q Kool-Aid. QAnon has proven to be a dangerous cult mentality, so I was glad to see some dissenting opinions in the comments, too:
“Zorth is a liar.”

“I had no idea there were so many nutbags on here. You idiots will believe absolutely anything. You’re giving us serious Sasquatch researchers a bad name.”

Ouch. Ouch, Zorth, ouch.

Please Clap Dept.: Check out this wonderful review of my book American Madness on the Book Self Blog HERE.

Please vote for me in the Shepherd Express “Best of” contest in the Milwaukee Author category: shepherdexpress.com/best-of-milwaukee/2020

You can buy American Madness on Bookshop.org or wherever books are sold: https://bookshop.org/books/american-madness-the-story-of-the-phantom-patriot-and-how-conspiracy-theories-hijacked-american-consciousness/9781627310963

If you’re looking for some fun podcast listening on your holiday, I recently made appearances on the Eye 94, CripesCast, and Strange Uncles podcasts (click titles for link).

Tea’s Weird Week: Zorth, I Will Kick Your Hairy Ass (a Story of Bigfoot and QAnon)

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Back in April I wrote a column titled “I got my own conspiracy theory, which is that the world is becoming 24 more times batshit crazy every day.” It’s a theory I still stand by.

While doing the media and virtual appearance rounds for my book American Madness this fall, people asked what the wildest or craziest conspiracy I encountered was. That was a moving goal post, I’d reply, every time I thought I’d found the most outlandish theory I’d discover that nope, the rabbit hole keeps going. Reptilians, Flat Earth theory, and Pizzagate were all thought to be the peak while working on the book, but the ruthless onslaught of 2020 conspiracies loomed ahead.

Before I continue on, let me preference the rest of this column by saying I’ve met many Bigfooters (people who research and investigate Bigfoot sightings) over the years. While working on my book Monster Hunters, I had a fun and wild adventure exploring the woods of Michigan with Bigfooter Jim Sherman of the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization (BFRO). I’ve met several since. Bigfooters range in personality from very cool, very interesting people (which thankfully describes all the ones I’ve met) to total assholes to somewhere between. But now I’m sad to report that the joy of Bigfooting, or at least a small corner of it, has been struck by the foul cancer of QAnon.

So, it’s late at night, I should be asleep, but I’m doomscrolling Facebook when I stumble across a video titled “Zorth Says That President Trump Wins in the End” in a group I’m apparently a member of called Team Squatchin USA. This group has over 14,000 members.

There are two Kruloses in my head. One says do not watch this damn video, go to bed and the other says do it. watch this damn video. Do it.

I watched it.

Here’s what I learned:

– A man named Dr. Matthew A. Johnson (aka “Dr. J”) says that he is “the 13,” an ambassador to humanity for a council of 12 Xanue (aka Bigfoot Forest People, Sasquatch, etc.) and communicates mostly with the head of council, Zorth, through telepathy.

-Zorth has been telling Dr. J repeatedly that “in the end, Trump wins” and that Zorth has “adamantly insisted” that Dr. J share this message with the world (via YouTube). Here’s a message from Dr. J to the Team Squatchin USA group:

ZORTH is adamant about me passing on the following message that he shared with me a week ago: The Xanue are able to see into the future via a limited manner via multiple possible time lines. ZORTH wants everyone to know that in the majority of the possible time lines, President Trump wins his reelection bid. I DID NOT want to post this but ZORTH strongly insisted that I post it now.

Heavy is the head that wears Zorth’s will.

-Like Trump, Dr. J apparently has no concept of how the vote count happened and the split between in-person (which leaned Trump and were counted first) and mail-in/early voting (which leaned Biden and were counted later). “All of a sudden they miraculously find all these votes overnight.” Incorrect.

-In one of several Xanue/ Trump endorsement videos Dr. J shows footage of a popular QAnon propaganda “documentary” titled Q- The Plan to Save the World. Many of Dr. J’s posts parrot election fraud conspiracy language. QAnon is going to be facing an identity crisis and they, much like Trump himself, are currently in the “denial” phase.


– Is this guy for real? Yes, I’m afraid so. And judging by the many pro-Trump, pro-Zorth comments on Johnson’s videos on Facebook and YouTube, so are his followers. Why on earth would they believe such a shaggy Sasquatch story? Because Dr. J has “done his own research” and written two self-published books and created a whole bunch of YouTube videos. What more evidence do you need?

Look, researching and investigating Bigfoot is one thing. Saying that a wizened council of Bigfoots endorsing an awful person who lost the election and is in a delusional downward spiral about it is another. We need to fight back against conspiracies about the pandemic, civil unrest, and election fraud.

The author’s depiction of Zorth.

Biden won the election and Trump is attempting a coup like a fascist banana republic wannabe dictator. There is no credible evidence of election fraud. Trump’s hollow lawsuits are all being shut down due to lack of evidence. The only reason Trump won’t concede is ego alone.

Here’s something I haven’t revealed until this column– yes, it’s true, I also have the ability to communicate telepathically with the Sasquatch– prove that I can’t. I happen to be in contact with a rival council of 12 known as the Xerox and their spokesquatch, Zaarg.

And…oh my, here it is. Zaarg says they have an urgent message I must relay. An important message. Zaarg says:

Zorth, I will kick ya hairy arse, ya traitor. Y’ll look like a mangy bearskin roog when I’m done with ya, boy-o, mark me foocking words. [Zaarg is also an Irish bare-knuckle boxer] I will take on all 12 of ya Xanue foocks with one hand tied behind me back, ya foocking liars. Ya deserve to have yer arses shaved and painted orange like the Trump baboons ya are, make no mistake!

Hey, don’t shoot the messenger!


I’m a candidate for Milwaukee author in the Shepherd Express annual best of. You can read the rules and vote here: shepherdexpress.com/best-of-milwaukee/2020

My book American Madness: The Story of the Phantom Patriot and How Conspiracy Theories Hijacked American Consciousness is out now. It explores a wide range of conspiracies, (but doesn’t explore the Bigfoot-Q connection.)
You can find it on Bookshop.org here: https://bookshop.org/books/american-madness-the-story-of-the-phantom-patriot-and-how-conspiracy-theories-hijacked-american-consciousness/9781627310963